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Tuesday 31 May 2011

Motherhood made me lose control - and possibly my mind

Did you read the header?

Oh yes, I have almost lost my mind, people.

No, there is no need to call a mental facility.

It is just another day in the paradise called 'motherhood'.

These days, women are much more vocal in owning up to how terribly difficult and constraining being a mum can be. How the element of no/little control leaves them gobsmacked. There are forums and blogs and websites aplenty. Women air and vent, and men (and women with no babies) run for cover.

Are these women mad, they think? Pfft, when Iiiiii have children it will be vastly differently. I will be all Zen-like and calm. There will be music, and games, and an air of... well, anything but what those crazy mums are talking about on the www.

But unless you are in that sphere, that world of mummydom, you cannot possibly imagine how life-altering motherhood can be.

Even if you have a gazillion nieces and nephews. Even if you are a childcare worker, or a teacher, or a nanny. Live-in, even.

Because when you have the job of rearing and teaching and feeding and comforting and averting a world war amongst siblings daily (Every. Single. Day), it takes on a whooole new perspective. Trust me on this one.

Planning on having a baby?

Please, take a seat. Get comfy.

Here are the cold, hard facts:

- You will never (and by never, I mean for the next 5, maybe 10 years) go to the toilet without someone beating the door down. You will finish your business while barracading the door with one hand. True. I do it almost daily. Unless I can sneak off to the loo without being noticed.

- You will become your mother/a 'broken record' - "don't take your jumper/socks/hat off". Insert your it's-for-your-own-good rant here.

- Your child will do a poo when you're about to leave the house. And running late.

- Those nutritious meals you worked so hard to make? Some days, they will be untouched in favour of "custard, Mummy, I want custard! Or ice cream!"

- Your property is no longer your own. Childproof all you like, someone will still get their grubby mitts on your precious things.

- Your mobile phone is the most fascinating gadget around. And must be played with at the exact same time you need to make a call. Or search for a phone number.

- Phone calls will be made in another room. Until they discover you have gone to said room. Then 'evil child' will make as much noise as possible. In direct proportion to how important the call is.

- Conversations. Interrupted ("Mummy is talking. Wait!"). Forever. Beyond annoying.

- Items of clothing will be strewn across the house. Until they learn how to 'pack away', it's your job.

- Toys. As above.

- Warnings of "it's cold outside, please put on a jumper, you have a cold" will be ignored.

- Walls? Carpets? Ha! They're for drawing, aren't they? (it takes TWO seconds, people. You will see).

- Clothing. It will be dirtied, changed, taken off, perhaps ripped several times a day.

- Dressing and undressing. Cute when they're 0-2; annoying when they're two+ (fiddly feet and spaghetti arms - you know what I am talking about here, parents!)

- In my house, a 'princess dress' is imperative. Five different costume changes daily. I am changing my daughter's name to Lady Gaga by deed poll shortly.

- Going out. Never the same again. Crazy critters will be demanding/bored/hungry/tired.

- Eating out: forget it, until they're... check back in with me. We haven't hit that age yet.

Think yours will be different?

Oh wait, did you just hear that? That was the sound of me falling off my chair in fits of laughter.

We allll think ours will be different because we go in thinking we can control our nerves, our patience, our tolerance levels. And to an extent, that is true.

But what we fail to factor in is what we cannot control. Our child's temperament, moods, special needs, illness, or frankly just being a right little turd.

Stay tuned for my next blog post called "all the ways motherhood made me a hypocrite."

And may I add there are AMAZING, WONDERFUL, GOTTA CATCH YOUR BREATH aspects of motherhood which blow me away. So many times a day I lose count. Sometimes they move me to tears.

I adore having a bath with my kids (yes, sometimes having my private time invaded is actually a pleasure. Mad, I know. Being at eye level in a bubble-filled bath with my beauties is crazy-good).

It takes my breath away when they interact with and hug and kiss their dad.

It knocks me for six when my daughter says, "Mummy, I am sorry. I love you", then proceeds to kiss my leg because that's as far as she reaches. This happens around 20 times a day lately.

I love waking up to them, and the barrage of cuddles and kisses that await.

I am gobsmacked at their daily progress and wonderment around their new world.

And I feel so ridiculously blessed I have them. Have to pinch myself, blessed.

But some days...

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