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Thursday 23 January 2014

Tinder translations: how to decipher men's profiles, by Soraya

Soraya is a 20-something single girl from Sydney who "talks too much, laughs too loud and can often be spotted eating." You can read more from Soraya at http://cheebes.blogspot.com.au/ where Soraya, Finbar and Pats talk about food, booze, travel and fashion.

She wrote a piece just for Josie's Juice on how to translate the men you find on Tinder.

For the unfamiliar, Tinder is described as ... "how people meet. It's like real life, but better". Here's their little teaser video:

And so, Soraya thought she'd give Tinder a go. Here's what she found there... and what she made of it.

Translating men on Tinder, by Soraya.

Being a recently single 20-something means that dating life is integrated with technology, especially now with the rise of dating apps like Tinder.

If you're over clubbing, are working long hours to get ahead career-wise and all of your friends/friends of friends are in relationships, how else are you supposed to meet somebody?

Photo of the gorgeous Soraya
Cue Tinder - the game of "Hot or Not" where a simple left swipe means they are vetoed and never seen again and a right swipe means there is the potential for you to "match", make contact, and... Well I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Funnily enough, it's my friends in relationships who enjoy Tinder the most. It's the power of rejection without consequences. One of my BFFs even encouraged Tinder as a casual sex tool and recommended I "lower my standards, you're not looking for Mr Right, just Mr Root".

When you are critiquing the opposite sex based on the first photo you see, every ounce of judgey superficiality comes to the surface. The fact remains though, Tinder is a home to some real creatures. So, if a picture tells a thousand words, here are my top Tinder translations of men who receive an instant left swipe, all based on their first profile photo.

1. The guy with the baby
This could mean that either the baby is his, OR, he is trying to show off his sensitive/nurturing side by displaying a baby in his profile pic. Either way, straight to the left... No pre-mades please.

2. The guy with another woman 
Okay, it's good to know you aren't a total alien who can't speak to women, however in your first pic? No dice. And especially if you are holding hands walking across the beach with her. Please get off Tinder.

3. The guy with the puppy
Lure women in with a false sense of security. What he thinks it says: "Puppies are cute, I'm cute, you should like me." What it really says "Please swipe right. Or the puppy gets it."

4. The shirtless guy on the roids 
We all love a selfie... But shirtless, with your post workout veiny bulge? Puhlease. Plus the size of your neck and shoulders is an indicator of some serious upcoming roid rage.

5. The creepy older guy
Your profile says you're 25. Your picture adds at least ten years to that. Left. Left. Left.

6. The guy in the suit. 
We get it. You wore a suit. Once. And yet every single one of your Tinder pics pay homage to you and your one night suited up. Thanks and no.

7. The guy and his mates
The first pic on his profile is a group shot. Him plus seven of his nearest and dearest mates (rendering you the potential ninth wheel in that relationship). You click into his profile and... More pics of his mates. You don't need a crystal ball to know what the majority of your arguments will be about in THAT relationship.

8. The naked guy
You're innocently left swiping away when you are confronted with a picture of naked white bum cheeks and unreasonably tanned legs and back. Often on top of a mountain or under a waterfall. Look past his adorable tight buns and into your future. Nudist beaches.

9. The party boy
He's the guy who is often with one mate, holding a bottle of vodka and pulling an awful face. He's trying to show you he's a lot of fun and knows how to party. What he's really saying is he will be calling you at 4am begging for you to pay for his cab fare home after he spent all of his money on booze and recreational drugs.

10. The DJ
And finally, the guy standing behind decks, headphones against his neck who has probably never played a gig in his life. If you swipe right he will spend ages telling you about where he's played. The truth is, he's not admitting that his only headlining set has been from his bedroom, broadcast live to his siblings, parents and family dog.

Brill post by Soraya!

Tell me, have you been on Tinder? What did you make of it? Did you meet any of these people above?

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