Secret Diary Of A Single Woman: Dating Real-Life Story - Part 2

Recently I posted a guest blog from a Josie's Juice blog reader, who wrote just for us on her dating experiences.

Here is part two of that post, below.

You can read part one here.

Here, she continues her story…

So, I was back to where I started, late March, and still no “FWB”.  I escaped Australia for a long 6 week dream holiday and loved it.  I re-energised myself.  I still kick myself now, that I was too slow to book a day trip to a volcano.  I had booked it towards the end of my 10 night stay on the Big Island – and it’s a missed opportunity I will remember for the rest of my life.  I have very few regrets, and this is one.

The guide on the day trip was very appealing.  He had an inner confidence I find attractive, and he was full of volumes of information about volcanos and the Big Island (I have been told that the information is VERY boring when I relay it, but I didn’t find it boring at all).  He was also in my desired age bracket, 40-52.  That day trip was 12 or 13 hours long.  The roads were precarious, and I got the seat in the front, as I was the only single in the group of 12. 

I am naturally quite reserved, and it takes me a while to relax, but when I do, my cheeky sense of humour comes out.  At one point at 10.30pm, after a long day where I was rained on, stepped in muddy puddles on a rainforest track, I found myself standing in my soaking wet shoes, on a lookout in freezing winds (amazing you can be that cold on the Big Island), on the side of the volcano.  The sky was so black and the perfect foil for millions of stars.  Mr Volcano wandered over in the dark and asked whether I’d like to come back up for some star spotting on Tuesday night, 3 days away.  I smiled in to the darkness staring at the sky.  This must be what it’s like to have a man come up to you and actually ask for you to spend time with him.  It’s never happened to me.

I said I would love to, however I was leaving the island on Tuesday morning and I smiled at him in the dark.  I remember thinking what happens next and he just looped his arm around my shoulders and said “it’s a shame, you’re an interesting woman” and that was that.  Talk about deflated!  I did get the best hug when he dropped me off at the Resort and I have no doubt, I’m sure he hugs “all the single” women, but he still takes the title of the “one that got away”. 

I started up a conversation with another person online, whilst I was overseas.  Mr Weird.  We really clicked in writing and I landed in mid-June from my holiday, and he was adamant he wanted to meet me the night after I landed.  We’d swapped pics, he was funny, he sounded keen.  I thought “now, this might be what I’m looking for” so I agreed to meet.

On the day we were to meet, plans started changing.  From meeting in a café for a meal, it changed to ‘let me make you dinner at my place’.  I ummed and ahhhed and ultimately agreed.  I had texted all my girlfriends his address, and told them everything I knew about him.  Full name, phone number, what he did for a living etc.  We had arranged that I would message 30 mins after arriving, and every 45 mins after that, until I gave them my “it’s all good, leave me in peace” safe words lol

I had high hopes people, let me tell you.  He was going to make a lovely meal, we’d have a glass of wine, and I was sure we would share a laugh.  I had even “presumptuously” slipped in to my bag a bottle of organic coconut massage oil!  I haven’t used it yet on a partner, but you’ve got to get yourself some of it, it makes your skin feel great! (The scent reminds me of Mr Volcano).

I knocked at the door, and it opened.

He was dressed in trackies and socks, usually not a problem for me if I’m having a movie night in with a friend, but we’d never met before.  He opened the door fully, so I could see inside before I stepped in.  There was no one else there, so I felt safe.  I should have turned and left.  His place was not tidy for having someone pop over.  In my head, all I could think of was “I could put you in a headlock in 30 seconds” so I’m definitely in control.  He was 20kgs lighter than the picture he sent me.  I never quite worked out what the issue was.  He had a health condition of some sort I’m pretty sure, but it was never mentioned.  I wish he had been upfront with me. 

No dinner had been cooked.  We sat on the lounge for 20 mins and I thought “damn this to hell, I’m dressed SO nicely, my hair was looking great, good makeup job etc”.  So I asked what he was thinking.  He said “I’m thinking I’d like to kiss you.  What are you thinking?” and I kid you not, I said “Well I’m not thinking that, that’s for sure”.

I wont bore you with the details, but that was a washout and I was even more deflated.  What the hell was wrong with me?  What was wrong with my radar? 

I must tell you, he did say to me “I want you to know I have an erection problem, it’s the medication I’m taking to stop smoking”.  I remember just looking at him, never dropping his gaze and asking “why do you want to tell me that?” He said “Well there are things you can do to help me out” and I said “Do I look like a professional to you?” and I left, enough was enough. 

I started to think something was wrong with me.  I started to think, maybe I was being greedy, and not all women are supposed to have someone to share their life with, even when you just want a warm connection with someone you like. 

You may guess by now, that I don’t give up very easily.  So, I responded to numerous other messages, some I had been speaking with for 6 or 7 months, some only a couple of weeks.   I didn’t like some of the offers I had from those others, and never met them, although some were tempting :)

I did however agree to meet one other man.  His profile suited mine wonderfully.  He was after a FWB, a steady, regular situation.  He was older.  He was 55. The only sticky issue was, he was “separated” but still residing in the same house as his wife. 

This doesn’t sit well with me.  I don’t need drama in my life, I don’t want to cause anyone else drama, or hurt or pain.  So I asked him outright and he replied.  His wife suffers with a severe mental illness and had done for about 18 yrs.  She takes medication, and he told me some other information which I verified, and I then felt comfortable with the situation.  They had been separated for 18 years, but he was her carer.  He had been on holidays by himself for the last 10 years, when his daughters encouraged him to live his life a little more.  He had given up his career only 5 years before to become a full time carer.  He didn’t complain about his life.  All he said was “I get lonely and miss adult coherent discussion, which is why I can’t wait for my daughter to come home of a night”.  You can tell a lot about a person by what they divulge openly.

Ultimately I met Mr Mature at a local café for dinner as our first meeting.  There was an instant chemical click.  I didn’t want to find him attractive, but I did.  I don’t know what it was.  It might be that he was very old fashioned.  Chair held, door held, he ordered etc.  I usually don’t go for that, but I just rolled with it. 

He was very ‘proper’.  We were out in public.  No touching, no intimacy physically.  But he was quite comfortable telling me exactly what he was thinking.  It was very refreshing.  I got very quiet, I couldn’t verbalise what I was thinking (which was – damn I wish he’d kiss me).  I am much better in writing.  So after our meeting, I emailed and expressed myself very clearly.  We decided then that we would meet up and see how things go.

Now, this is where it gets in to a grey area.  He paid for dinner.  I did offer to pay, or at least split the bill, and he was very firm in that he said “you’re out with a European, you don’t pay”, so I didn’t argue.

He then said he would organise a room (and I prayed it wasn’t the Formula 1 lol) and it wasn’t.  It was a relatively local place, step above F1, but still a bit “dodgy”.  

We did meet up, and he is a lovely man.  We had some funny moments during our first meeting, as happens when you’re trying to get to know someone naked.  But I felt very comfortable, and he was as well. 

I have compared all the men I have met this year (all 3 of them, 2 of them naked).  Mr Mature is/was really interested in me as a woman, emotionally, mentally.  Our meeting was very ‘warm’ in a beautiful way.  Soft touching, laughter, sensual, caring interaction.  It was very different to Mr Builder, and I liked this more (although what I didn’t realise after my escapades, is that Mr Builder sits at the top of my list for the Goldilocks Award of “Just Right” lol – can I say that?)  

I didn’t feel creepy at all after Mr Mature.  I didn’t feel let down.  We walked together from the room, he walked me to my car, we decided we would meet up again, and this time I would pay for the booking.  He was agreeable to that, as I told him I felt weird that he pays.  I want things to be equal, so he acquiesced.

The only thing is, it has been 8 weeks since we met up.  We did make arrangements to meet a few weeks ago, but it had to be rescheduled, and it hasn’t happened yet, and it’s my fault.  I feel like I owe him something – because he paid for dinner and then the room.  It’s weird, but that’s how I feel. 

My problem is though, I started to think I wanted more than just a FWB situation.  Not specifically with Mr Mature – he is not available in that way.  I am still in contact with Mr Mature – and we may well meet up again.  I feel a drought approaching. 

However, I answered one last message off the website before my last subscription ended.  Mr Burnt Me. 

I thanked this person for his message, said I wasn’t looking to meet up with anyone further and wished him well.  He sent me a hilarious message back, and my brain got involved, which is always bad.  I explained my subscription was void after that night, and gave him my mobile and left it up to him.  Up until 14 days ago, we spent hours on the phone laughing and talking.  I’ve never had that before.  The conversation just flowed.  There was something in his voice that actually started to fill the hole I had inside me. 

I am not a phone person, I hate talking on the phone.  Mr Burnt Me and I spent 8 hours a night, from 8pm to 4am talking and laughing.  We actually lost our voices.  I was addicted to those calls.  As soon as I’d see a text come through from him, I got a bunch of butterflies in my stomach.  I hadn’t had that since Mr Swept Me Off My Feet 11 years ago, and I wanted more and more.

He wanted to meet.  He wanted a chocolate café date and it didn’t matter that I try not to eat chocolate, he wanted to go there, it’s his place to splurge and I agreed.  On the day of the date, he rang a few hours before and was sick as a dog. Our late nights had caught up and he’d got the flu, and lost most of his voice.  I was fine, I thought we’d get together when he was back in Sydney.  He travels a lot for work and we decided to meet up when both of us were in Brisbane for work 7 days later.  We’d meet after I finished my work dinner.  He’d send a car for me.  All I had to do was buzz him. 

I did buzz him, and I didn’t hear back.  Nothing at all.  I haven’t sent another message.  I am not chasing. 

In the pit of my stomach, I knew something wasn’t right then.  First thing out of my mouth was “he’s married” or “not as single as he says”, and I think I’m right.

In a weird twist of fate, the software on my phone connects people in your contact list, to other social media sites.  I had no idea, that the person I had been speaking with, I had anonymously followed on Twitter over 8 months ago we ever met off the website.  I followed him because I liked the way he wrote.  I liked what his views were, and now we were talking and totally clicking personally.

I have recently found an entry on his Twitter feed about “a partner” so I think my gut is right. 

This was all two weeks ago, and it’s thrown me for a big loop, I have to be honest.  I feel totally betrayed, even though we hadn’t met yet.  I had invested ‘all of myself’ in to our contact and it was all balancing on an uneven footing.  I do feel stupid.  I wonder how I couldn’t have stopped myself from being so impressed with this person.

I really have no answers, but the last 2-3 weeks has been difficult. 

I feel empty again; I feel I am lacking in fun and enjoyment.  Some would say, and probably rightly, that I can’t expect someone to make me happy and give me contentment and happiness, and I do think they are right.  I should be able to do that for myself – but I don’t seem to be able to, even though I am trying. 

I need to make myself happy, and what I have realised is, I am happy when I give people something of myself.  I like to make someone laugh, to make someone feel understood, to make someone feel like I have their back, that I can support them no matter what.  And that is what I want in return.

I want someone to like me for me, to like what I have to offer them, and be willing not to expect me to be a certain way, just be willing to share themselves with me honestly.

I remember Mr Swept Me Off My Feet telling me, that people make a mistake in relationships.  He said people always think “what can I get from this person to make me feel happy/content”… He said that what people should be saying to each other is “What can I give you of myself to make them feel how I want to feel” and he went on to say “if both people do that, then you both get what you need by giving, and not just taking” – or words to that effect.

So, it’s now 2am, the Tuesday after the long weekend.  I have lived a great 11 months as a woman in charge of her life, but there’s still an empty area inside me, waiting to be filled.  Cake and chocolate aren’t filling it – they are just wreaking havoc on my hips, so it really has to stop. 

I have so much to give another person; I have caring, humour, cheekiness, intellect, wit, and a damn good massage technique!  I am not a demanding woman, I am not an awful person, I am a warm personality, non-judgmental and accepting – and those are the traits I want in return – together with a bit of mischief. 

I am a romantic at heart, but haven’t had an opportunity to let that shine yet.  I do want to be cherished, I do want someone to think I am a beautiful person, I do want to be able to confide in a man and trust them with all of me.  I am yet to do this, and I am 44.

Most of all, after the last 11 months and 2 more notches on my barely notched bed post…. I want to share a mental connection with someone, so strong that even when you’re miles apart, you feel the warmth in the pit of your stomach and you can’t wait till they’re by your side again.

Maybe it’s a fairy tale, I really don’t know…. But I’ll continue to make up for all the years I lost by not being open to living life fully, and see if I can find an answer.

Yes, yes you ARE awesome: